Jonathan Acuff


Recently, a friend of mine told me that the David Crowder Band was breaking up. I like them, both musically and beardedly. In that order. I never put a person’s facial hair above their music. That’s one of the rules I live my life by. Unless they’ve got a monkey tail, which apparently is a thing now.

What’s that you say? Well, you grow one sideburn very long. Then you grow it into a beard that goes down one side of your face, over your chin and finally curves under your nose like the tail of a monkey. Then you move to Brooklyn.

It’s all very complicated, but not the breakup of the David Crowder Band or so my friend says. He says whenever a Christian band breaks up they get to throw the “We’re breaking up to pursue other ministry opportunities” card. Who is going to argue with that? What you don’t want us to minister to people in new ways? Why do you hate Jesus so much?

But I don’t think it’s that simple. I think Christian bands break up for a variety of reasons. Which I decided to list out in numerical fashion.

Reasons Christian Bands Break Up:

1. Too many empty love offerings.
I stand by my assertion that if they pass around a love offering at a concert and you don’t put at least a dollar in that’s like putting in a fistful of hate.

2. They join the Hillsong Band.
There are approximately 43 people in the group Hillsong. And as long as they keep turning out music I’m OK with that. Just don’t act surprised when they suddenly show up with a thickly bearded guy singing backup who they claim is named “Cavid Drowder.”

3. They’re tired of the guy who screams “Jesssuuuussss” at concerts.
I’m still looking for the scene in the Bible where Jesus and the disciples are watching an outdoor concert, somewhere nice by the Sea of Galilee and someone screamed, “Jesssuuuussss!” It’s got to be Biblical based on how often it happens at Christian concerts. I can’t find it in the Bible, but if it happened I’m sure Peter, the Rock, probably said, “Dude, he’s right here. You don’t have to scream. We’re all just trying to enjoy this song. Seriously.”

4. So they can launch themselves as a band of Christians not a Christian band.
What’s the waiting period on that? Three months? Six months? How long would it take to stop being a Christian band and reemerge as a band of Christians?

5. They read about me meeting Michael W. Smith and are afraid I will accost them on a plane.
That seems like a really specific reason to step out of the limelight, but whatever. And ask the guy from Newsboys I sat next to on a flight a few weeks ago. I was only borderline weird to that guy and didn’t awkwardly thrust the Stuff Christians Like book on him. I did give him Quitter though.

6. They keep getting asked to play “Blessed Be Your Name.”
A few months ago at a book signing event, someone asked me if I had any copies of Matthew Paul Turner’s books for sale. I told him that despite being friends with him, I surprisingly didn’t bring any of his books on the road with me to sell. At some point something similar has probably happened to a Christian band, especially with the song “Blessed Be Your Name.” I propose that “Blessed Be Your Name” is the Christian version of “Freebird,” the song people always request at concerts. It’s a great song. One that I’ve written about before, but I’m sure after request 500 you want to hang up your guitar and focus on your monkey tail, not your music.

Those are my guesses at why Christian bands break up. I’m not sure why the David Crowder Band is breaking up though. Or pursuing other ministry opportunities if you will. Maybe they want to get back to their first love, writing guest posts on Stuff Christians Like. Hard to say.

Why do you think Christian bands break up?



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